My 4 year Momaversarry!

I've been a mom for 4 years....

I've     been    a       mom.. .. still so weird to say that..

I'm not ready.. I'm too selfish..I don't have it all together...I still have so much to figure out about myself.. I have a LONG way to go before I'm ready to live my life in front of little sponges that learn by watching me... I'm too inadequate for God to trust little souls to my care..

But I've been doing it for 4 years now and it's gone by so fast.. scary fast.

It's been 4 years since Mr. H and I were in the hospital with a tiny human that rocked our world. I had no clue what I was doing.... I knew nothing about babies.. and I wasn't ready. There was part of my heart that wasn't excited. Getting pregnant was a surprise.. and not the kind that you see in movies where the wife surprises her husband and he picks her up and spins her around. The movies makes it look like having a baby is the most precious event in life, and that the first meeting between mom and baby = instant love. For a long time I carried guilt around because it wasn't like that for me... part of me loved him right away.. but most of me was terrified..

Those first few days sucked.

I was sore.. I felt exposed .. I couldn't figure out nursing.. G cried all the time.. my boobs hurt sooooo bad...I was so tired.. I remember dreading every feeding because it was such a fight to get him to latch .. I cried a lot... and I was so annoyed that it was all on me now... Mr. H could sleep if he wanted to.. and go out .... and wear normal clothes.. why did I have to do it all? This didn't feel like the blissful instant love that new moms in movies have.  The first year of G's life went like that.. I fought being a mom. I wanted my freedom back.. It's a weird thing to feel all those feelings at the same time as feeling so much love.

Being a mom brought me to the end of myself.

Somewhere between G being 1 and 2.. probably around when K was born, something changed. I surrendered it all to God. I actually remember the night. K was a newborn,.. Mr. H was crazy busy with work, and I probably had a tiring day with G.. I just remember feeling like a failure. I couldn't do it all and there was no way that I was going to be able to raise God fearing human beings whose lives bring glory to God and draw people to Him... I remember putting K to bed and walking to my room, falling on my bed and weeping. I couldn't do it anymore.. I knew I was sinking and I was tired of having to do it all. Didn't anyone know how under qualified I was? I told God that I couldn't do it. I'm not enough. I don't have what it takes. These kids won't turn out right. It's too much. When the tears stopped I went downstairs to fold laundry and turned on the christian TV channel that we had, and the speaker that was on basically said.. "I don't know who you are on the other side of the screen but you need to know that you can't do it all.. you're not enough.. that's why Jesus came to the cross. You were never intended to do it alone... stop trying to control it all and let God take over."
That's what I needed . and since then, I've been trying to do just that. Bringing it all to God... the one who knew my babies before I did. Who planned out their days, and knitted them together in me. Who knows them better than I do.

I love being a mom. I love the journey. I've learned so much and God has used being a mom to change me into who he created me to be. I love my babies and I am so blessed to have them. I look back on my first year as a mom and wish that I would have learned to give it to Him so much earlier. I'm so thankful G was my first. He is such a gracious and loving boy.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for his life and I'm so thankful that I get a front row seat!

I can't imagine a better calling on my life than being a momma. It's not always easy.. especially when a cute blond 2 year old looks you square in eyes, folds her harms, stomps her foot and says "I - don't - want - to." but nothing compares. This is my happy place. Baby cuddles, spilled drinks, bandaids, I-spy, bubbles, belly-laughs, tickle fights.. and hearing my name called all day long by my cute little ones. I'm still scared that I'll mess up.. or that I'm not enough.. but I trust in the fact that God's plan for these little ones includes having me as their mom. This is my high calling. How did I get this blessed.

Lists

My time is short.. I just put little G down.. K is about to get up from her nap any minute, and big G is using my phone to watch a youtube video.

Where do I start

My brain is a big ball of mess at the moment.. I feel like there are a thousand people in there fighting over who gets to speak first.. there's just that much that I want to update you on!! So in order to keep my sanity I'm just going to make a list of all the different things I think we'd end up talking about I'd talk your ear off about, if we could sit across from each other over a hot cup of coffee. 

In no particular order

1. Food! Nutrition!  My food journey. 

My new way of eating.. my new love for learning about how to properly feed my body.. and my massive inability to turn head knowledge in to practical life skills .. ( I have a hard time staying on plan).  How God is convicting me about my food journey.. oo good title.. I'm going to go back and change it... 

2. Parenting

My inadequacies and what God's trying to teach me.. the books that I'm reading...etc. Lately it feels like not much of what I'm doing is returning any fruit. If I'm really honest with myself, I'm a lazy mom. I enjoy my phone too much and I feel like there's too much time in my days with my kids where I'm wrapped up in what's going on online and not what's going on with my kids.. I need to be more Present!!  BAHHH!! feeling so convicted about that but having a hard time with it at the same time. 

3. Homeschooling

We are officially on the fence at the moment about homeschooling. There was a time where I thought we were 100% convinced that it was the best option, but then my dear husband (now to be refereed to as Mr. H for Handsome.. lol) told me that he's not sure anymore.. and we haven't had 3 seconds to talk about it.. so now I'm flip flopping.. is it really the best? should they go to school? they're so social and love people.. would I be robbing them of valuable experiences? Do they need to be taught at home to really get a solid christian worldview or is that something I can achieve around school hours? And even more honestly.. Can I homeschool? Am I organized enough? will they be behind if it's up to me? Even just thinking about following a written out curriculum like abcjesuslovesme.com is overwhelming.. planning.. yuck! If I can't follow a plan for eating, how well would I honestly follow a plan for teaching? especially when there's so much work involved in getting lessons together.. (see the theme? I'm realizing that I'm lazier then I thought)

4. Camp

All the details of what's going on here at Kadesh.. what it's like for me when I'm not really involved in the day to day events at camp.. fitting being at camp with our schedule.. the challenge with boundaries and our family.. being a director's wife.. etc. 

5. Bible 

This is probably the one that all others grow out of.. there's so much to talk about this one.. I feel like if I start writing my point form notes, I'll just never stop.. 

Anyways I'm hearing K moving around so my time is just about up. I'll try to tackle one of those at a time in their own posts. 

Also, here's a current list of books I have on the go. 

Instructing Your Child's Heart by Tedd Trip 

The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom

Parenting Your Powerful Child by Kevin Leman

Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst

I'll probably write about each of those at some point too. 

I've gotta run but I wanted to say thank you for your encouragement to get back at this! At some point I expect an equally detailed update on your life.. :)

Blessings!! 

Sarah <><

Oh and I just fixed the commenting thing so anyone can comment now.